


Jeeves and the Snowball’s Chance

by Trista_zevkia



Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 21:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3397490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trista_zevkia/pseuds/Trista_zevkia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From a prompt by mellifluous_gel on live journal.<br/>Prompt: I can imagine with Christmastime in the city, there'll be snow about, so I'd like to see a snowball fight between our boys (and others may join in too!). For the twist, though, I'd really like to see Jeeves as the instigator. What would make our paragon of a valet lob a mound of snow at the young master?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jeeves and the Snowball’s Chance

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Дживс и шанс размером со снежинку](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3205520) by [Dreaming_Cat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaming_Cat/pseuds/Dreaming_Cat). 



> Dreaming Cat like this so much she translated it into Russian, if you'd rather read it in that language.

Fall had settled on the Metrop without so much as a by your leave, but had vacated the area for winter readily enough. My problem started during a walk across the park in autumn. I don’t remember why I was out or what I was doing, but the park was the shortest way between two points, so I took it. Saw a single leaf hanging on a tree, all the other leaves paired up and piled up below it. Common enough sight, but it filled me with loneliness.

I kept people around me, Drones or relations to fight off this feeling, because how could you be alone when surrounded by people? So I did what I had to, and ran home. I was breathing heavy when Jeeves pulled off my coat while casting a questioning eyebrow at me. I couldn’t explain, not when the feeling was gone because Jeeves was there. 

Others would have a fight to get me out of that mood, but not Jeeves. Around him, I knew everything was going to be alright, that he would fix the world for me. His solid shoulders could handle anything and everything, and as he brought me a b. and s., I wondered what those shoulders would look like without the uniform. That stray thought was all it took for similar thoughts to follow me wherever I went. What does Jeeves do when I’m not there to pick up after? I know he reads, does he sing or dance? How could I make him laugh out loud, instead of twitching his lips at me? 

When I sent him out to buy his Christmas present from me, I was frowning and irritated. I’d been that way for a while now, ever since I realized I was Madeline Bassett level of sap head over heels in love with that man. What was I supposed to do about it? Tell him and be arrested, or tell him and be the lecherous old master who takes advantage of the household staff? I could touch up his salary a bit more, but wouldn’t that make him feel like a rent boy? I was confused, lost and angry, things I’d normally turn to Jeeves to fix. That was a non starter, so I stewed in my silence and hoped something would change. 

I was so out of sorts that when Aunt A. engaged me to a bezel, I told Jeeves to let it go. He spoke about unsuitableness, which was his way of saying I’d be unhappy, but I’d only shrugged. Aunt A. remarked at the sudden growth of backbone, but everybody else asked why I was so angry. I guess I was getting worse at hiding it, or it was growing. Either way, the bezel declared she wouldn’t marry a brute, no matter his title and excused herself from my life. Back to the metrop for me and Jeeves, the source of my problem. He was staring at me with a speculative look, without being so rude as to stare, and I refused to talk about it. 

I wasn’t sleeping well either, so when I woke early one morning, before nine in the ack emma, in mid-January, I got to see the Metrop covered in a fresh layer of pristine snow. Over breakfast I declared my intent to go for a walk and Jeeves only said he’d lay out my warmest clothes. Before, he might have suggested it would be bad for my health or remind me of something I had to do instead. This anger was distancing him, so I had to get rid of it. I couldn’t explain things to him, but if he left he’d never figure out what I couldn’t say. But I didn’t want him to f. o. what I c. s., did I? 

Not many people out today, and those that are look busy. It almost made one wish for employment, activity to keep one’s mind off of dream rabbits, specific or not. I was directionless, adrift in life and this walk. I’d only been walking a few minutes, when something moist and hard splattered against my back. 

I turned to look, seeing the remains of a snowball on the ground behind me, but no thrower in sight. No kids or other likely suspects, so I shrugged it off and walked away. I’d almost forgotten about it when another projectile splattered across my shoulder. With a yelp and a turn, I was once again without suspects. A few people stopped what they were doing to look at me, and then went on with their tasks. 

I walked back the way I had come, hoping the thrower would be waiting in the alley, with snow all over their hands so I could catch them red handed. Or would that be white handed? Where was Jeeves when I needed him to answer these things? I was almost back at the sight of the first snowball when one slammed into the side of my head. 

The sneaky shadows were hiding from my wrath, so I reconsidered. I needed someplace free of people and doorways and alleys for this attacker to hide in. There were trees in the park to hide behind, but I had a greater chance of seeing them there, so I made a beeline for the park. On the way, I got three more surprise snowballs for my trouble, building up the need for revenge with each slushy slap. 

I walked casually about, trying not to acknowledge the snowball that bounced off my bum. Finally, I was in the perfect place to lay in wait, and jumped off the path and behind a tree. Lanky legs let me do this without leaving tracks to my hiding place, so I figured I had a good chance of surprising them. There were other trees about, but they’d have to be a wonderful shot to get me from behind one of those. Now I only had to wait, peering around my tree. I didn’t really see anybody and my toes were going from numb to frostbite when a snowball got chopped up on my shoulder blade. 

I was infuriated, angrier than I could ever remember being, so I started throwing snowballs in all directions. By the time I had used up the good snow around me, I was starting to regain control of myself. The next incoming snowball knocked off my hat, but I saw a shadow move. The rage came back and focused on this target. I scooped and threw and walked toward my target, a man in a black coat behind a tree that was almost big enough for him to hide behind. I would have walked right up to him and demanded an explanation, but a large, downed tree trunk was between us. By the time I went around he could leave, and if I climbed over, I’d lose my ammunition. With a snowball in each hand, I was ready and took a firm stand, just my side of the tree trunk. 

“Oy, you! I know you’re behind there, and demand you show yourself!” I wasn’t sure what to expect, only that what did happen was not even in the running. The black coat turned out from behind the tree, showing me a red faced but dignified Jeeves, calmly staring at me. “But, Jeeves?” 

Pathetic, I know, but it was all I could manage to sputter out. 

“Yes, Sir?” 

“You’ve been throwing snowballs, at me?” 

“Yes, Sir.” 

“But, what about the feudal spirit and whatnot?” 

“All I have done is within the realm of propriety, Sir. I noticed your increasing unhappiness and chose to do something about it. This opportunity was merely the first that presented itself, offering physical exertion and a distraction from your difficulties.” 

His hands were clasped behind his back, and he was almost convincing in this being for my own good. What could I do, except what I did? The snowball in my right hand smacked into his chest, while the one previously in the left hand got his right shoulder. 

“Anything else I can do for you, Sir?” 

I started laughing, louder and harder than I’d ever done. How could he be so dignified with snow splattered across him? Finally I managed to speak through sore lungs and gasping breathes. “So solid, stable, and majestic! Jeeves, that’s why I love you so much!” 

My breath, ragged or not, stopped when I heard those words come out of my stupid mouth. Aunt Dahlia was right, my mouth was not connected to my feeble brain, even I should have more sense than to say that. Jeeves’ eyebrow twitched and I turned to run. Now the downed log worked to slow him down, and I could ignore his voice calling for Sir to wait. I could have run forever, but I had nowhere to run to, except the Drones club and the apartment. 

The Drones sounded good, and I headed there. The door was in sight when I realized I’d have to explain to everybody why I was wet in spots and drinking myself into oblivion. That left the apartment, where Jeeves would be. Getting it over with was better than not knowing, I had almost convinced myself so until Jeeves opened the door for me. My head was a low hung fruit for easy picking as he closed the door and removed my hat and coat. Facing away from him as he put my things away, I spoke to the air before me. 

“You must understand, you’re a friend and caretaker, so all that love rot simply came out wrong. Just friends and all, right Jeeves?” 

“Indeed Sir? That is unfortunate, as I find my feelings for you are of a more romantic nature.” I spun around to look and gape at him. He looked like he always did, except for a highlight of pink on his face. He’d gotten to the apartment ahead of me, so how could he still be cold? Unless he was blushing with what he was admitting? Wait, what did he just admit and why was I more concerned with the pink skin? 

“Jeeves, forgive the ignorant y. m. But did you say you, Jeeves the wonderful intellect and perfect penguin, had feelings for this corpus?” 

“Yes, Sir. I find I love you quite unabashedly. I thought the only impossible thing in the universe was that you could love me back.” 

“Give me half a chance and you’ll believe in more impossible things before breakfast.” His lips moved to correct my quote or tell me who said it, and I flung myself on that open mouth. 

There was the sound of a body impacting with a wooden door, which was me shoving Jeeves onto the closet door but if it didn’t bother him, I wasn’t giving a bother either. He was kissing me back, doing things with his tongue that seemed to be attached to my spine. I jerked and moaned with each flick and my knees almost gave out when he pulled away. He didn’t have much room to p. a. so he pulled sideways, to whisper in my ear. 

“Sir, we should remove these wet clothes before you get sick.” 

“For today, I’ll wear whatever you want.” 

“Allow me to be more direct, Sir. I had no intention of replacing the wet clothes on you, just removing them.” My knees do give way at that, said in his perfectly proper valet voice, but I forgive my knees when even more of me is suddenly squished to him. 

“Now would be a very good time for that, as I feel a sneeze coming on.” 

“We must hurry then, Sir.” Those teasing words were delivered in a voice of smoke and honey that had every bit of the Wooster corpus standing at attention, including that important part just a bit north of my knees. 

I think I experienced the Jeeves shimmer from the inside, because next thing I knew I was staring at my bed. Experienced hands, large, powerful and sure, were removing my clothes, while equally impressive lips found places on my neck that hadn’t existed before. I’m down to my very undermost under-thing when I have to turn and taste him. He’s still completely dress, and I’ve not even mussed his tie. Offended to my core, I start pulling at him and he cheats to protect his togs. Steps forward, until I have to step back to do more with my hands than hug him to me, and I fall onto the bed behind me. 

I’d get up and protest, but he starts to remove his clothes and I’m distracted, if that’s the word I want. It’s probably not, as distracted can be a momentary look away. The sight of him unwrapping himself for me, was intoxicating and better than any of my dreams. I need better dreams then, but this will give me quite a few, I’m sure. Broad shoulders, the muscular frame of a working man, with just a bit of padding on the stomach from his excellent cooking, trails of dark, wild chest hair leading to his special gift for me. I don’t think something you can look at forever counts as a distraction, I’ll have to ask him. Later, much later. 

I must have blinked, because now he’s laying beside me, arranging me how he wants me. I only care because I can’t see him, I have to crank my head around to see him, kiss him as he slides something hard between my legs. I’d look down at it, but I can’t stop kissing him. Warm hands move my hips until they’re at a strange angle, pointed away from him. It stretches my back in a weird way, bends it back but shifting one shoulder more toward him than the other makes it work. I’ve always been flexible and this must be why. 

Now his hardness is under mine, so when he wraps both of our right hands around, we’re both being stroked. He sets the pace and I follow as long as I can, until I have to stroke faster or scream. Jeeves follows me in this, which is heady in its own way. In the end, I’m going as fast as I can and only scream a little as our fluids mix on our hands. 

When I’m done twitching, I move to curl into him but he’s got a bit of cloth. Before I can ask, he’s wiping us down. When I figure he’s about done and ready to wander off, I grab onto him for all I’m worth. He looks startled at my enthusiasm, so I have to speak. 

“Don’t get up yet. Don’t clean or cook or do laundry or whatever it is that you do to keep my life running. Stay with me, and we don’t have to talk or think about this. I love you with all my soul, but I know we have a snowball’s chance of getting away with this long enough to figure out how it’s going to work.” 

“Bertram, your pessimism is showing.” I don’t know what he’s complaining about, as his mother hen instinct is coming out. But I have an idea for distracting him, an innocent look and a naughty touch. 

“As I’m not wearing a stitch, I’m pretty sure everything is showing.” 

“And a lovely view it is.” His naughty stroke of the Wooster corpus makes me think it’s working, until he speaks. “When life changes for the worse, you dread the worst outcome far in advance of its arrival. That is why you are so impressed when I remain calm or provide a logical solution. I gather facts and deal with the situation. I love how you feel so much and would not change that about you. For now I ask that you allow your normal state of happiness to return.” 

“Shut up and leave the worrying to you, huh?” 

“Essentially, though you’ll notice I did not use those words.” 

“Use simple words and tell me you’ll stay.” 

“I will stay as long as you want me to, and probably long enough after that to change your mind.” 

“Was that a Jeevesian joke?” 

“Perhaps, Sir, but it was also the truth.” 

“Fine by me, either way. Next time, I want to see you when we do that.” 

“That was my desire as well, Bertram. Would you be interest in doing so before I make lunch?” 

“We could try it in the kitchen.” 

“Not while there is food present, Sir.” 

“Sorry, love, didn’t mean to scandalize you.” 

“You’ll make it up to me, on the piano.” 

“Piano or the piano bench?” 

“Both, Sir.” 

“Very good, Jeeves!” 


End file.
